His last words before stepping into the darkness were “So much wasted time”. He was an actor and family man but life had not been easy for him. It is neither my place nor my desire to evaluate the validity of those words in his life but I can respect them and even resonate with them in my own. I think it probably resonates with many people.
Time is an elusive beast that somehow becomes the most dangerous when I think I have it the most controlled. It taunts me with an ever-present dread of running out, yet there are more things I want to fit in. It is ever full and never satisfied. There is something beautifully tragic in the perpetual nature of its motion yet there seems to be no way to understand the impact of it’s drive until it has run it’s course.
If I look back in earnest at the life I have lived, I cannot help but see the vigilant graceful and loving hand of the Creator guiding me to things some have never seen or felt. I have been afforded opportunities in the world that are priceless, still I feel somehow empty at times. I have seen wonders up close that even angels long to see, but I still want more. I have held life and watched it slide away and never seen the impact until it was gone. Somehow the power of the event or even the shear majesty of it is not enough to help me see the fleeting nature of its existence. Or, more realistically, I allow my stubborn nature and self-will to focus more upon the amount than the value.
There must have been a moment where I could have said “enough”. There must have been a moment when I could have called out into the ether itself, with all the rage of life’s disappointments and empty dreams, and with a word stopped the madness of my self imposed regret cycle that keeps me looking for more and yet missing what I have. There must have been a moment. Maybe it passed long ago. Or maybe, that moment is now. Maybe it is every moment. Maybe the problem isn’t in the moment itself but in what I do with it.
Is it wrong to want more? I think the obvious answer is that if wanting more causes us to waste what we have, than the answer is yes. What if it didn’t though? What if there was a way to act and to experience life to its fullest without missing opportunities or wasting moments with those around us that mean something to us? That sounds great on paper, but how do you actually do that and know the difference?
I suppose I should have more answers than questions, but I am not sure I do. More realistically I guess I don’t like the answers I have. They require I make changes to my mindset and actions. That opens a whole new problem. I have to become more responsible. That is not pleasant. I want action without responsibility. I want change without work. I want my cake and I want the car it was delivered in too. In reality, I want more, I just want it on my terms, which I guess is why I become unhappy with the outcome.
I think the eye of the storm in this conversation is satisfaction. If my choices for my life bring satisfaction then what I have wanted has led me to what I have found and therefore what I have become. Simply put, choices reveal character; character creates satisfaction; and satisfaction soothes the soul. Wasted time does not equal wasted life. Time is a measurement and life is gift. Living it well is the best way to connect to the Creator and his Son. We just need to be willing to accept that our definition of “well” may be different than his and frankly his is right. Aligning with that definition is what the actor truly needed. I know that because that is what we all need.